Fight the impostor syndrome: stop doubting and start liking yourself

Recently I went with my kids to a movie called “Yesterday”. One of the motives of this movie was a superstar performer feeling like a fraud, who chose to give up everything simply to live an ordinary life.  While the movie was nice, my kids started to ask if something like that happens in real life. I checked here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Do you want to hear my conclusions?

Impostor syndrome

Sometimes we are successful and our performance is beyond our wildest dreams, yet we do not feel any pleasure. There is a strong imposter feeling like somebody else was responsible and we served as some sort of medium.  This feeling is normal, very common and is also called impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome is a kind of cycle. In her 1985 paper, Clance explained that the impostor phenomenon can be distinguished by the following six dimensions:

1. The impostor cycle
2. The need to be special or the best
3. Characteristics of Superman/Superwoman
4. Fear of failure
5. Denial of ability and discounting praise
6. Feeling fear and guilt about success

Having even some of these qualities is somewhat debilitating, and when these qualities combine the effect is even worse due to some sort of vicious cycle.

I do not know how or why it worked

We cannot fully control everything that we do. Our automatic responses are orders of magnitude faster than deliberate consideration, and often more accurate. Even simply observing the subconscious processes is very complex and may slow us down, unless we are meditating and do not need to do anything else.

The mechanisms involved in subconcious decisions are varied and not fully studied. Certain creative solutions come from the right hemisphere, and visual rather than sequential analysis. More recently, many important roles of the cerebellum are being discovered. There are some less studied phenomena that involve gut feelings, hormones, and vagus nerve. Essentially, our brain is so complex that more often than not we simply do not understand how we achieved something.

If we do not know how we do something, how can we ensure that we do not lose this ability?

Do not call me a genius

My friend and colleague Jonathan Levy loves to think about certain people as superhuman.  I do not share this perspective. Anyone can acquire amazing skillsets, but some people are more inclined to do so than others. This does not make a successful practitioner superhuman.

If we accept the existence of superhuman individuals, we also need to accept the great responsibility that accompanies the great power.  Since failures are common, yet not acceptable by individuals with power, no amount of effort is enough to guarantee success.  This is very stressful and eventually can leave to depression.

If anyone calls me a genius I politely thank him, yet explain that I am not by any account different from anybody else and simply practice something invented by others.

Constantly measuring progress

One of the steps in the progress of each individual towards mastery is exponential growth. During this stage, there are common and constant measurable improvements. It is inspiring and motivating to measure yourself during that period, and if there is no serious improvement, you are doing something wrong.  Once this period is over, we usually congratulate our students with graduation.

Soon after the exponential grows starts soulsearching. After all, the numerical achievements apply only to certain skills and situation, and we need to develop and adapt. This period is longer than exponential growth, and while we learn more and we learn deeper, there can be even declined in simple measurable skills.

Eventually, we acquire mastery. Once we do that, there is no reason to measure the performance anymore. The driving force is not numerical progress, but deep expression and learning, using the subject we mastered as a medium.

People who do not stop measuring their progress might focus on short-term phenomena,  preventing themselves from experiencing true mastery.

Love yourself

People may tell us to love ourselves, but how reasonable is this advice? If someone is a narcissist, he will believe he is the best no matter what. A vulnerable narcissist will believe he is the worst no matter what. An average person may adapt the position of his social circle, with alternating love and hatred.

What the actual advice means is unconditional love, not depending on anything else. Life has a value in itself. Life is something comparable with music: energetic, resonant, passionate and time-limited.  To love yourself is to accept this music in all its glory and all its infamy, including certain parts we do not really enjoy.

You do not have to live an average life to value life in all its simple glory, yet it is easy to get distracted by ambitious goals and higher needs. Just as a success, failure is an important part of our existence and we cannot afford to hate it.

Some people are a fraud

It is extremely easy for us to lie to ourselves. Con artists are different. As they lie they perform, they experience strong sensations. Most of us are not con artists. When we lie to ourselves we do not feel anything accept certain numbness. Eventually, this numbness grows and we do not recognise the person in the mirror.

Studies show that around the age of 50 is the most depressive period of human life. Very few people are successful in everything they planned to do, and even they may be unhappy with the fruits of their work. When we are young we feel that we can change everything. When we are old, we care about the life itself. During the midlife crisis most people feel fraud, and most people are fraud, as they pretend to be something different from what they feel deep inside.

Self-talk

Not sure there is something that can stop impostor syndrome and depression completely, but we can easily build the first line of defense through meaningful social interaction. Self-talk is probably the most basic interaction. We divide ourselves into the “victim” and the “counselor”. Then we try to imagine a conversation.

Typically the victim will complain about the dreams he could not live up to, about the mistakes he made and about feeling utterly miserable. The counselor will explain that all people have weaknesses and vulnerabilities, everybody makes mistakes,  it is OK to fail from time to time, life has a value in itself and being a human being s hard.

This self-talk is only the first line of defense, and if it fails there are stronger and better strategies that can be executed by people experienced with such issues.  Some methods include artistic expression,  mindful meditation, diaries, reframing and so on.

Losing strategies

Some things should better be avoided.

Telling someone with depression to “snap out of it,” is akin to telling someone with a broken leg to “just walk.”  Dealing with complex emotions takes time, and accepting the difficulty is the first step to overcoming it. The process can be long, and impatience may make it harder and longer.

Shame is bad for depression. A violent outburst may result from chronic shame.  The feeling may be toxic and bad for relationships. It is a feeling to  deal with or even avoid.

“There are other people who have it worse off than you.” Every depression is different. This statement invalidates the person’s feelings and might cause them to feel guilt and shame. The effect is just the opposite of improvement.

“Happiness is a choice.” This is a direct invitation to look for distractions from the issues, rather than facing it.  Even if we have the best strategies, executing them takes time.  It is best to focus on execution, rather than of avoidance.

“But you don’t look depressed.” A person can achieve a great deal and still feel bad about himself. Appearances can be deceiving further contributing to the feeling of fraud.

 

Treat yourself better today

Just as a placebo is a strong remedy, treating yourself better may make you feel better. Make yourself a good tasty and healthy meal, sleep more, do some sports or outdoor activities, meet with people whose company you enjoy. A small change may stop a vicious circle, and boost appreciation of life.