Perfectionism is a big issue. It is a destructive habit which we do not always see as such. Quite often we discuss “brainy habits”. It is hard to ditch a behavior, easier to replace some behavior with others. For today’s reading I have chosen here, here, here, here, here, and here.
Let it go
People who cannot accept mediocracy typically suffer from lower self-esteem. To love themselves they need perfect results. Even with perfect results, they have a low self-image. When the things go sour the situation gets much worth and they literally wish the earth to swallow them. “Letting go” is not an option, since something may go wrong and nobody is to be trusted. Everything needs to be controlled to the point that guarantees a success. And that is a tremendous amount of nerve-wracking effort which could be used for better things.
A perfectionist will rarely need help. He will seem totally in control and happy with the situation. The peers and the management will respect him for his passion and reinforce the behavior. You cannot tell a perfectionist “let it go” and expect that will calm him. If you describe the benefits of the life free of worries you will probably see resentment. Nobody can help a perfectionist unless the perfectionist burns out. Perfectionists always burn out. Burn-out is the period when the perfectionist is most vulnerable, it is also the period when he is most open to personal growth.
Imperfection of change
Any change is slow, with an often recurrence of old behavioral patterns and doubts regarding the ability to change them. It is especially painful for a perfectionist who expects a perfect change. By working harder we do not usually get happier, and ditching perfectionism is anything but a hard work.
I do not have a perfect procedure for ditching perfectionism, I can describe the path I took many years ago to deal with a similar issue:
- Quantify everything. Do not set up your own score yourself. Imagine a university professor you like giving grades for a work performed by your friend. What would be the grade.
- Set a pass grade.Set up a hard score beyond which any effort is meaningless. Do not invest meaningless efforts. Something like 85% completion usually works. If you set the level too high the result will be virtually indistinguishable from perfectionism. If too low, there will be a devastating failure reinforcing perfectionism.
- Do not fail. “All or nothing” mentality is just another face of perfectionism. Once starting to let go, it is easy to fail totally and irreparably. Do not allow yourself to fail.
- Do not expect immediate happiness. Quite often perfectionists think that ditching the perfectionism they will immediately get happier. In fact, any change is hard, so there will be mixed emotions.
- Ignore opposition. People around you will notice the change. Some performance metrics will drop, some social issues will improve. Allies and opponents may trade places. The people around are as confused by a serious personality change as you are, even when you successfully and transparently communicate the change.
- Adapt. Having a numeric measure for everything helps to react reasonably. Filter the noise by gathering enough statistics and make slow changes, evaluating the result. Usually, there is a sweet spot for everything. Moving too quickly or too slowly is disastrous.
Practical perfection of vision
Having a vision helps in the long run. It allows construction of more elaborate strategies, helps to solve complex problems and makes us happier.
There are several ways to form a vision. From analysis and detailed strategy shaping to lucid dreaming and guided visualization. The clearer, more detailed the vision the better we feel with our strategy. It is important to visualize not only the end point but the full path with all its risks and difficulties we will probably encounter.
Unlike investment in current performance and problems, investment in vision increases our passion, happiness, and creativity. A vision can be unclear or inappropriate, but it’s imperfections do not haunt us. So in a way, any vision is perfect.
Every time one feels the need to invest in performance beyond the passing grade, the effort can be reinvested into improving the vision.
Rebalancing the life
Once we stop obsessing about the job, a lot of time freeze up and needs to be reinvested. The first urge would be generating yet more work, but it is not always the best solution.
Investing in ourselves usually pays off. We can choose to invest in a healthy diet and a longer sleep, some sports activity, and some creative procrastination. Taking daily vitamins, like Omega3, Magnesium and vitamin B usually makes us feel better. So does eating fruits and vegetables. The effect is stronger with a former perfectionist, who feels that he fulfilled his obligation to the healthy lifestyle. Spending times outdoors and simplifying the life may also help. Throw away something you do not need, take a 30 min walk.
Learning may and may not work. Probably heavy duty learning of languages and coding will not make you less stressed. Learning art or literature may be better for the stress levels and happiness.
Being there
This is basically the opposite of letting go. When we are mindful, we are fully focused in the moment, alert and in control and yet relaxed and joyful. We may have more or less moments in our lives, do not waste them.
