Smile to win

No matter how much we know and how productive we are, we do need the help of other people. Communication with others can be the biggest source of fulfilment and of frustration. Today I offer you reading here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Smile, the superweapon

Smiling is easy and effective. When we smile we look younger, physically fit, and competent. Smiling boosts our mood and is more pleasant than a chocolate. As an added bonus, smiling is contagious: by smiling we make other people smile too. The more we smile the more successful we get: greater fulfillment in marriage, longer lifespan, better career.

Even a forced smile can boost our mood. It is much better when the smile is genuine. People detect false smiles and get alarmed. Moreover, smiling when we do not want to smile may have a toll on our mental health. If the smile is inappropriate to the situation people get annoyed. It is best not to glee when winning and not to smile apologetically when loosing.

To smile genuinely, we need to have a handy reservoir of good thoughts or visualizations: the prospect of working together with interesting people, humor, pleasant and nostalgic memories we can associate with people. When we try to memorize names and faces, it is best to choose very positive visualizations: this way we will smile each time we see the person. If smiling in conversation, it is good to be transparent and show some positive prospect or share a positive experience.

Share meaning

We do what we do because of our beliefs, values, and experiences. When sharing these with other people, we share not just information, we share meaning. When we honestly share meaning, our messages are strong and positive. Quite often, other people, in turn, will share their meaning with us. People love to talk when they feel safe and are asked the right questions.

Sharing meaning with other people is a strong basis for collaboration, and can even turn enemies into friends. We do not need to agree or be right all the time. It is OK to argue and admit our mistakes, as long as the atmosphere is friendly and supportive. It is easy to discuss, and sometimes to change, certain understandings and actions, as long as we do not need to change who we really are and what we deeply believe in.

Ask, rephrase and ask again

People are different, and it is very hard to understand other people. When we do not fully understand what people say or why they say it, the communication gets broken. It is best not to make assumptions and think for the other person. Asking is a good way to open a dialogue. The first answer we get might be not the answer we understand. The other person may have no idea that we do not understand. So it is best to reformulate what we think we understood and ask again in a different form. Maybe request further clarification, or offer to discuss an example, or ask how other people respond to similar information.

Occasionally it is useful to trade positions, ask somebody what he would do in your place, or what response would be appropriate in a given situation.

A dialogue in literature is very different from a dialogue in real life. The real life dialogues are much more boring, less condense and less emotionally charged. Still, we can use some of the same tools: use long and short sentences to speed up or slow down the communication, break the ping-pong by short monologs or show we are listening and take a pause. In interesting conversation may be more important than a pleasant one.

Get visual

This is something I need to force myself to do. My regular line of thought is a bit abstract, and my visualizations do not get into my speech. Good colorful visualizations and anecdotes convey the message much better than hollow words.

Passion might be great, but if you want the passion to be shared, it is better to present a vision of what you are trying to achieve.

Details are important, as is simplicity. The more detailed and interesting are the images we use, the more effective will be the message. However, if the message gets too long or ambivalent or attracts too many details, it will be just too much for most people.

Be popular or be a rebel

We have a groupthinking cognitive bias, an equation of popular=good or accepted=right. If we accept the power of authority we may use words and references that reinforce our popularity and the wide common basis be share.

On the other hand, we subconsciously admire the different, the courageous, the rebels. It has some evolutionary bias: if someone dared and is still alive to tell about it, he must be rally successful. Do not be afraid to try, take chances, be different. If you do that, own your successes and your failures. You are still here to tell the story, hence you are interesting. This is one of the rules of storytelling: the deeper the challenges, the more we admire the hero.

It is important not to go too far: be honest. If you exaggerate, admit it. If you have a hidden motive, share it. It does not matter if you choose to be popular or be a rebel, understate your situation or exaggerate it to make a good story – if you truly own your position, people will respect it and enjoy the communication.

There is only one chance to make a good first impression.

We are most vulnerable when we need to be most confident. We are vulnerable in a job interview, when meeting new people and when asking for help. Probably it is better to fake confidence than to show vulnerability in this sort of scenario. It is important to remember, that the vulnerability is often shared. Your recruiter wants to recruit a good employee just as much as you want to land a great job, people want to make a good impression on you just as much as you want to make a good impression on them.

There is a good tip I usually exercise before an asymmetric conversation: I stretch up, fake a smile and try to think why I am just the person the other side wants to meet. Then I visualize all the good things we can do together. Typically I do that for a minute when nobody sees me and then regain my regular composure. The effect is strong and lasts for several minutes.

When I enter the room I am already smiling, and my smile is genuine.