Learning empathy through your inner adult

Each of us arguably has an inner child, inner parent and inner adult. While psychologists often discuss inner child and inner parent, the abilities of inner adult are often underrated. For more information you are welcome to read here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Transactional analysis

Eric Berne presented the transactional analysis to the world in his books in the 1950s. In the books, social transactions are analyzed to determine the ego state of the patient (whether parent-like, child-like or adult-like) as a basis for understanding behavior. I quote from Wikipedia:

At any given time, a person experiences and manifests his or her personality through a mixture of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Typically, according to TA, there are three ego-states that people consistently use:
– Parent: a state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted, or how they interpreted their parent’s actions. For example, a person may shout at someone out of frustration because they learned from an influential figure in childhood the lesson that this seemed to be a way of relating that worked.
– Adult: a state of the ego which is most like an artificially intelligent system processing information and making predictions about major emotions that could affect its operation. Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of transactional analysis. While a person is in the Adult ego state, he/she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality.
– Child: a state in which people behave, feel, and think similarly to how they did in childhood. For example, a person who receives a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor and crying or pouting, as when scolded as a child. Conversely, a person who receives a good evaluation may respond with a broad smile and a joyful gesture of thanks. The Child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation, spontaneity, and intimacy.

Using your inner child

Our inner child is possibly the most authentic and unique part of our psyche. It has almost unlimited potential, at the cost of great vulnerability.

As we open up and act more spontaneously, our inner child can be very creative. This creativity has many levels. We can find a deep emotional approach to complex situations, intellectual out-of-the-box thinking, scientific curiosity and pure joy of doing things. We love to act through the positive aspects of our inner child, as they are joyful and playful.

For example, when we teach people to visualize the texts they read, they usually need to activate their inner child. The results are unpredictable: spontaneous, funny, somewhat naive and memorable. People who are too serious about themselves or dislike what they read often have issues with visualization as their inner child does not play with the ideas they learn.

Asking the inner parent to help

Since the inner child can occasionally be whimsical, or hurt or stubborn, we need some ways to change these behaviors. One of the easiest ways to address your inner child is through the inner parent. Modeling the behavior of a mentor is an interesting way to address the inner parent. A mentor is essentially a parent figure, and we often address our mentors as such. When we copy a particular behavior of a mentor, it often gets associated with our inner parent. Then, as we try to use the skill effectively, the inner parent often has to support and teach the inner child.

Most of the affirmative self-talk is our inner parent motivating the inner child. In a similar way, destructive self-criticism can be labeled as our inner parent scolding the inner child beyond the useful limits.

Just as a parent needs to provide safety, support, and freedom for a child, so the inner parents need to treat our inner child. As we become better parents, we become better at handling our inner conflicts and vice versa.

Is our adult too robotic?

In the adult state, we can process the information critically, with the topmost objectivity and productivity. In the original transactional analysis, this state is somewhat robotic. We process the information and act upon the information we get. This can be a productivity guru dream since in theory there is no emotion to break our focus.

While this robotic state appeared to be almost magical sixty years ago, today we have too many machines with their own problems. We understand now that our human feelings not only distract us but also motivate us and allow us to work effectively in a team.

The most effective experts and leaders of the 21st century are not human calculators. They are dynamic, inspired, empathic and versatile. These are not the qualities we usually acquire in the school or in the University, so there needs to be a different arena where we learn the new skills.

Can the inner adult show empathy?

Since the inner adult is capable of processing complex information, it is also capable of emotional reflexion. Just as a therapist can acknowledge the feelings of the patient without being drawn into the patient’s emotional turmoil, so our inner adult should be capable of analyzing our own emotional status.

The inner adult can possibly analyze the feelings. What is the feeling that we feel? When did we start to feel it? Is there a deeper motive hiding behind the feeling?

What is even more important, the inner adult can acknowledge the validity of the feeling. The inner child wants to be heard. The inner parent wants to react to the child’s call. This reaction may be emotional and impulsive, possibly overly protective. The inner adult says: I hear you, and I am here to help. Since the inner adult has the best access to advanced logical reasoning and some psychological background, it is probably capable to provide the best and most balance support for the inner child.

Awe and humor

The inner adult working with the inner child is capable of a very wide and deep range of reactions. Maybe one of the most profound reactions is AWE. When are we so amazed by what we see that we can stand for hours with our mouth open? There are many examples: great art, amazing nature, surprising events, and even a beautiful human being.

From the transactional analysis, I understand the AWE as a reaction of the child when the adult is overwhelmed. This is very similar to seeing humor as the inner child’s reaction when the adult is puzzled. While the comedy deals with the paradoxes of daily life, the awe-inspiring experiences transcend our everyday life into something different to the point that diminishes our ego.

Comedy and tragedy both have a deep effect on us, partially because they can bypass our inner adult and address the inner child.

Empathy to others

When we show empathy to others, we reduce the dominance of our ego. As a child, we can sympathize with the vulnerabilities of others. As a parent, we may want to protect and support other people where they are most vulnerable. This is the expected response.

If our empathy is lacking, the reaction may be very different. As a child, we may make fun of the pain of the other person, and as a parent, we may scold the others for the mistakes they make. It may take some training to overcome the not-so-good responses.

What is the role of the adult? We can either try to understand and accept the pain of another person or try to propose some solutions to the problems they face. Probably we should do both, as long as we do them in the right order.

Preserving the boundaries

When we show empathy to other people it is very easy to get involved in their dramas. For our own mental health and for the sake of the people we are trying to help, it is important to preserve some boundaries.

There are different tricks people use. Some people constantly remind themselves that the problem they are trying to solve is not their problem. Others take a well-defined position, such as a friend or a therapist and try not to leave it. People with more practice may try consciously maneuvering between different positions, seeking similar experiences in their own life and reviewing the situation from the impartial position.

Changing the perspective on the situation and preserving the boundaries is something an adult does. It is unrealistic to expect this behavior from a child or a parent. Being parents, we may need occasionally to subdue the parental instincts, calm our overexcited inner child and address the situation objectively. This is one of the forms to build “thicker skin” as a sensitive person often may define it. Failing to do so may result in emotional overload and exhaustion.

Trust

Some would say that trust is built upon competence, character and caring. We do not really trust children, as they can do a lot of damage due to their impulsive nature. We put too much trust in parents, assuming that experience means competence and protection means caring.

It is much easier to evaluate the character and competence of an adult in a neutral environment than of someone who is in emotional turmoil.

So if we distrust someone in a playful mood or overtrust someone who promises to fix all the problems we face, we usually place an accurate amount of trust in a responsible adult calmly considering the options.

Dealing with obstacles

When dealing with obstacles and helping other people to deal with obstacles we usually need to activates all sides of our personality. We need to accurately analyze the challenges, come up with creative solutions, mobilize strengths in ourselves and others and protect the team members from the negative outcomes. To be an effective team member we need not only to mobilize our own strengths, but also to monitor the progress of others and help them mobilize their strengths. This is something that needs all parts of our personalities, including and empathic and trustworthy adult.