Things I learnt raising my own children

It is very easy to give other people advice on raising their children. We even wrote this course on Udemy. How we raise our own children is a different matter. Here we apply not what we believe to be right, but what can be done with our resources. I will share some of my own experiences and insights. Please treat them like I do, with acceptance and without judging. If it will help someone, that is a great reward for me. To learn beyond this article I would recommend reading here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Having three children

We (Anna and Lev) have three children: two boys, and a girl. This sort of family planning was not exactly a conscious choice. Some studies show that three children are very hard to raise. In fact, parents with four children reported being less stressed than parents of three. While we enjoy very much raising our kids, we have to balance the family life with complex job environment. While we have a very good idea of what is right, some compromises are made along the way.

Reading problems

Our girl is too young to read. Our boys had reading problems until the fourth grade. Currently, they score very high on reading tests but did not start taking speedreading yet.

Phonological awareness

My firstborn is a very active child, and when he was very young books kind of disintegrated in his hands. He also had some issues with phonological awareness and needed a tutor at ages four and five. During the first three classes, we gave him different books with jokes for kids. He loved these books. He also watched animation with subtitles, until eventually, his reading caught up.

Skipping steps

My second child was very aware of phonology and started to read early. He pushed himself a bit too hard and skipped several important lessons. At some point, he started to lag in simpler material, making very stupid mistakes. When he started to learn a third language (English), he had to reevaluate the way he learns. Eventually, he had enough linguistic intuition to fix his reading mistakes.

Learning by immitation

We do not try to teach our third child. Instead, she learns from her brothers. She appears to be very talented and extremely stubborn. Letting her explore the things that interest her is very comfortable for us, and good for her inquisitive mind. I think she will have a hard time adapting to school: learning from mistakes and excepting criticism.

Leadership skills

Neither my parents nor Anna’s parents invested in our leadership skills. My parents wanted me to be a chess player and mathematician with some rebellious side, while Anna’s parents were very busy and focused on Anna’s discipline. With my own kids, I decided to prioritize leadership above other paths. The reasoning is simple: the world is changing very fast, and leadership is about the only skill that with high certainty will still be relevant thirty years from now.

Values and inner compass

The eldest child syndrom makes the elder child ideally suited for the role of entrepreneur. He is very independent, extremely responsible, and strong-willed. My emphasis in his education was on personal values and the inner compass: discussing various real-life scenarios and their moral implication. The school noticed this trait and offered him complementary leadership classes.

Imagination and compromise

My second child is very creative and eager to please. This made him a popular child, who was elected to the school council. Trying to please his peers, he has many issues accepting himself and also he needs to defend his position in front of his teachers. It is very painful for him, and we are still trying to find ways to cope. One of his own ways to cope with his responsibility is studying objects and events which are very far from him. We often have discussions about historical events and physical phenomena. He is very good at math, although I find his interest in very large numbers a bit disturbing.

Raising a princess

My girl is overly confident. She is sure that she is a princess. It is very difficult to explain to a young girl that she might be the perfect princess in her family, but not a princess anywhere else. She is slowly learning that rules can be above what we want, and even a princess needs to play by the rules. She tries to lead by serving an example for her friends. We also ask her to be very verbal about her needs. She cannot expect us to fulfill her wishes if she cannot communicate what she wants.

Physical activity

With both of the parents alternating between several jobs and couch potato status, the kids needed a framework for their physical development. We decided that we want our kids to experience many things, but not to become professional in any athletic activity. The stress of professional sports can interfere with learning, while the physical activity is great for developing body and brain.

The country club

It is very convenient to have all kids listed in the same country club. It is also very convenient that my father practically lives their, alternating between swimming, gym, sunbathing and cafeteria. The country club offers many different classes with a great value for money. Each of the kids typically takes three different classes in the country club.

The way of the warrior

For reasons I do not really understand, my kids prefer martial arts above all other sports. They slowly progress through belts in judo, karate, and capoeira. Currently, they compete in judo on a national level. With age, the training becomes tougher and more competitive, so my firstborn will probably switch to less arduous classes.

Sports as a culture

Some sorts of sports are a part of our culture. I tried to send my kids to football and basketball sections, but they really hated it. They had mixed experience with triathlon: from time to time they take the class, but they quit after a season.

Fun in the sun

Not all things the kids love are offered in their country club. Some things they learn over summer vacation in various sports camps. The boys love to surf, although they are not very good surfers. All of us love western disciplines of horse riding. The boys are training for their farm team. My boys played chess for several years, they even competed at national level, but eventually, they prioritized other activities over chess.

Arts and crafts

Children need to develop their creativity. We allow our children to choose what interests them and then invest some money to make it happen.

Music

My boys participate in their school band. They are not very talented musicians, yet they love making music. My eldest plays flute and harmonica, while my second son plays guitar and berimbau. They have free access to youtube, and quite often they search for various musical information. This is also a great training in English.

Lego

We spent thousands of dollars on various lego sets over the last six years. All of my children love construction toys, including toys of very high complexity. By now, they can build things of very high complexity, they are very organized, and have great spatial orientation.

Video games

I did not limit the kids in video games, but I insisted that they prefer the games which are tactical or strategical. From the recent games, the boys prefer playing Overwatch. I did not test the fluid intelligence of my kids, yet I have full confidence in their abilities. With so many fun activities, they did not become addicted to video games yet, so I am optimistic. They actively participate in the programming challenges for kids, and there is a high chance they will get addicted to writing code.

Family time

We try to spend some time as a family every week, with shared experiences. This usually includes some time in a restaurant, or outdoors, with the discussion of weekly events, plans and hopes.

Walking in natural environment

We try to spend some time every week at the beach, on a farm or in the forest. This usually includes about 20 min of walking and other fun activities. Some of the activities include one parent and one child, allowing some quality talks and deeper bonding.

Driving by parenthood

In the morning and in the evening I spend 20 min driving my kids around. We use this time to discuss various strategies: analyze daily events and see various alternative approaches to common situations. Being locked in a moving vehicle, the children can accept both positive and negative feedback and have nowhere to run from important questions. This is probably the most important time we spend together since we can share and evaluate various thinking patterns.

Integrating technology

Being early adopters of technology is a great advantage in our society. While Anna is not an early adopter, and I have a mixed record, we want our kids to be excellent. So I invest some money into various gadgets and allow the kids play with these gadgets. Moreover, I urge them to imagine how different objects and inventions could modify their life and we discuss it. I believe the active experience is the key to technological literacy, and many sessions are hands-on.

Family values

Some things in our family values are different from what is accepted in our social circles.

Accepting imperfection

Many of the people in our social circles are perfectionists. They want to see that their children are genius in learning, sports or arts. We do not have such an ambition. Good enough is perfectly acceptable. This way, our children have enough resources to engage in various developing activities, instead of focusing on the things they do great. At some point in the future, this trend will be reversed. Eventually, I will ask my children to train accelerated learning and focus on things where they have an advantage. I am waiting for the kids to be at least 13 years old since childhood is a great time to explore, have adventures and learn about yourself. We are never critical of the personal qualities and praise or condemn specific behaviors which can be changed.

Figting entitlement

We do not want our kids to take things for granted. Not even the food. They are capable to cook their food when we are not at home. They can walk if we do not have time to drive them. If they want a toy, they usually participate in its purchase, sometimes saving their pocket money and sometimes doing chores.

No cheating and whining

Our kids love to cheat and whine. Yet they do not allow themselves either of these behaviors. When a child whines, I try to understand the reason. When a child cheats, I try to see why he did not see an alternative. Usually, whining or cheating are bad ways to ask for help, get attention or deal with an emotionally charged situation. We try to understand the situation itself and reformulate the need verbally: “I am afraid of losing”, “I need your help”, “I do not know what to do now”, “I need some comforting experience”. Then we try to provide a more legitimate way to deal with the difficulty.

Getting help

We have some knowledge and understanding in various areas of education. Maybe because of this, we ask a lot of people for their help.

We have an ongoing support from a professional psychologist and coach for the parenthood, with two meetings per month for the last five years. When my child hand issues with phonological awareness, he went to a speech therapist. Some of the horse riding courses the children took were from therapy trainers. We have a good insurance, which makes these services very cheap. Most of the money is paid by our insurance.

We communicate with most of the teacher and trainers the children have, trying to build a common strategy. Usually, various areas in the child’s life complement each other, and only the parents have enough information to integrate the puzzle and show the large picture to an individual trainer.

Again, you are welcome to take our Udemy course. You can also share your own experience in the comments.